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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 2, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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very competitive society you have to have a nice appearance. if you wear crummy shoes, people notice. when you buy the shoes, pony up and get the best ones you can afford. i have bali shoes from eight captioning sponsored by comedy central ready to go ready to go captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: hey, look at you. come on. welcome to the report! (cheers and applause) good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much.
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>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! wow. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. folks, you spoil me. you know, ladies and gentlemen, i am a huge fan of republican vice presidential candidate and jersey boys understudy paul ryan. which is why i am enraged. because this weekend this good man was attacked by the liberal hacks over at fox news. (laughter) just listen to chris wallace drilling ryan over romney's proposed 20% across account board tax cut. >> the obama camp says independent groups say if you cut those tax rates for everybody 20%, it costs $5 trillion over ten years, true? >> not in the least bit true. >> stephen: true, not true, who cares? (laughter)
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it's over ten years. romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for some reason wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer. (laughter) jim? >> well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deduction. >> let me just -- >> you haven't given me the math. >> well, i don't have-- it would take me too long to go through all of the math. >> stephen: great answer. (laughter) why-- (cheers and applause) great answer why is it a
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great answer? well, it would take me too long to explain but trust me t was a great answer. (laughter) besides the american people don't want to hear math. that's why ryan seacrest's top 40 countdown didn't catch on until they added songs. (laughter) now obviously the math behind how romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folks to understand. it's unfathommably complex like string theory. you would have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexisted dimensions. eight of which are where romney shelters his wealth. (laughter) just trust him, just trust him. (applause) the middle class is broken down by the side of the road and paul ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying get in. (laughter) don't ask where we are we
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going. it would take him too long to explain. (laughter) just get in. and it puts the lotion on its body. (applause) now folks, either we go with the romney-ryan plan or it's four more years of barack obama. so even obama did get some good economic news. >> these job numbers show that the president has recovered every single job lost on his watch and then some. that makes the president a net job creator. >> stephen: there it is. obama is a net job creator. so congratulations to robert baird, the guy who got the job. (laughter) but millions of americans are still looking for work. particularly low skilled workers with no high school diploma who face a 12% unemployment rate. now my heart goes out to those blue color workers.
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all they know how to do is make stuff while we white collar workers have the education necessary to check our e-mail. the problem is, america has lost its good manufacturing jobs to places of cheap unregulated labor like china, vietnam, and the gulag beneath disney world. faster, chakor, they're running out of mickey pretzels. now how-- how is the u.s.-- mickey. (laughter) all for mickey, please don't sue. now how, how is the u.s. supposed to compete with countries where workers toil for pennies an hour? luckily, one company that has found a way to keep manufacturing right here in america and they bring us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) supply chain. folks, tonight i am happy to share a success story. it's a little company called unicor that does 900 million
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in business annually making bedding, blankets, table linens, circuit boards, prescription eyewear, and solar panels. and all at low cost for sizable profit. how do they do it? volume. also, prison labor. after all, prisoners are some of the most skilled manufacturers. i mean who else can make a toothbrush and a lunch tray into a cross bow. now folks,ed federal bureau of prisons founded uni core to rehabilitate inmate its while providing government agencies with low-cost products and services like help desk call centers. now when you call tech support you won't get some foreigner with a crazy name. you'll give your credit card information to a real american named spider. now if-- (applause) and if your computer won't
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boot up, he might say have you tried jimmying open your neighbor's window and stealing his computer. and folks, these genuine american workers do it all for as little as 23 cents an hour. which is 23 cents more than i pay my interns. (laughter) and unicor's business model is leaving the competition in the dust. >> small manufacturers are trying to stay afloat in a tough economy and now they have to compete with cheap prison neighbors. two companies in particular, american apparel and american power source both manufacture army uniforms. uniforms are now being made by federal inmates. >> yes. prison labor is replacing companies like alabama base uniform maker american apparel. not to be confused with the more famous american apparel whose photographers will eventually end up in prison. best of all, even know unicor pays its workers next
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to nothing doesn't mean it can't charge top dollar because the law requires federal agencies to buy unicor's products. so they can charge nearly five dollars more per uniform. now folks-- until recently, unicor has been legally allowed to fly only other government agencies but those restrictions are now lifting. so unicor is now offering its prison labor to the private sector. >> you can take advantage of unicor's unique capabilities. skilled workforce, nationwide locations, 24/7 operations, highly competitive pricing. the best kept secret in outsourcing. outsourcing with unicor can provide you with all the advantages of domestic contact centers at offshore prices. unicor, the secret is out. >> stephen: yes, the secret is out.
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and for all those who are worried about unemployed americans who will now have to compete against cheap prison labor, don't worry. you can apply for one of these great new unicor jobs by going to your local liquor store and submitting your application via shotgun. remember-- (applause) remember, folks, remember, folks, first impressions count, so wear a fresh ski mask and look the manager right in the eye when you say everyone hit the mother [bleep] ground. (laughter) and folk its, before you know it, you'll have the right to remain employed. for the next 10 to 20 years. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, i don't know if you checked the papers but today is the last day of the u.n.'s annual general assembly. now i'm to fan of the united nations but allow me to take a moment here to say to the visiting diplomats in one of your many exotic tongues it (speaking foreign language) now folks,
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(applause) when the clown show here rolls into town, some of the clowns getting out of the car are scarier than others. jim? >> the presidents of iran mahmoud ahmadinejad is in new york. he's at the united nation. >> protestors are constantly following ahmadinejad in his massive entourage of 140 people. >> why on earth is he even here let alone with something like 140 people in his entourage. >> stephen: that's right, america's casual friday nemesis mahmoud ahmadinejad-i heart new york-ijad was here with a 140 person entourage. and just like hbo's entourage, it's all about subjugating women. (laughter) that reminded me, that reminded me (applause) but folks, they didn't just come here so mahmoud could
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swing some anti-semitic spid el at the general assembly. no, they're in new york city. they want to see the sights. and in new york that can only mean the harlem costco. (laughter) where the iranian delegation has been spotted stocking up on wholesale shampoos. nation, they are seeking to split the atom and now they can prevent split ends. how could obama let this happen! the iranians were at costco because tough economic sanctions have made it difficult for them to get hold of foreign goods or imported products. which explains why their leader has to wear members only jackets from 1982. (laughter) so folks, folks, at costco we have given them unfettered access to
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america's family pack technology. we'll never cripple their regime with economic isolation now that they have their own 200 count boxes of economy sized advil and bulk bins of nutter butter and great shrink wrap rafts of shrimp cup o noodles. you madmen, they will be able to hide their nuclear facilities inside their giant discarded barrels of kirkland coleslaw. (laughter) oh! oh, don't worry!, don't worry, you say, they don't have enriched uranium yet. well, you know what else costco sells? yellow cake. (laughter) a five pound box for 10.85. for 10.85 if you don't make nukes you're losing money. folks, these maniacs may deny the holocaust, but we have just laid the ground for a holocaustco. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause)
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>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new album titled the sound of the life of the mind. fortunately, my mind has n no-- please welcome ben folds five. (cheers and applause) hey, ben, pleasure to see
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you, robert, darren, good to see you. hey, thanks to much for coming on. >> sure, yeah. >> good to be here. >> now it's ben folds five. why only three s it because five is the best number? >> it had sort of-- was supposed to be a joke. and it wasn't funny. (laughter) >> we thought it was hilarious. like i came home, he was mowing the lawn and he just was like hanging off the lawn mower and just laughing hysterically that day. and then-- did you laugh. >> i didn't like it. >> he didn't like it. >> we asked our manager if he liked the name. i said it is going to be ben folds five, he said there's only three of you. and i said it's supposed to be funny. he said i got a great sense of humor and there's nothing funny about that name. (laughter) >> stephen: your manager is a gangster from the 1930s. >> a little bit. so okay, so it has been 13 years since you have done an album together. what's like most different for you guys.
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>> cell phones. >> cell phones. >> that is a big one, the internet. >> stephen: because now that you're back in the biz, by the business i mean the industry, do you, are you guys like tweeting, twittering and doing the myspace and friendster and all that good stuff. >> yeah. >> are do happy to do all that social media stuff. >> yeah. >> stephen: who is the tech savvy guy here. >> i think. >> -- i do twittary lot. i tweet. >> stephen: have you tweeted for a long time. >> i have, i am like a two-year-old tweeter now. >> i usually say like the new album is coming out soon. check it out. check us out on colbert. check us out, we're playing a show, stuff like that. >> stephen: very exciting stuff. (laughter) now the name of the album is the sound of the life of the mind. what is the meaning of the title of the album. (laughter) >> it is kind of confusing
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after a while. >> stephen: well, the sound of the life of the mind. what is the sound of the life of the mind? >> well, the title comes from a tract that nick hornby the author wrote the lyrics too. and he corroborated with ben on the song. >> he's an author and he writes good work. and we just thought his tight sell going to be better. that's really what it was. >> stephen: really. >> yeah, we looked down all the possible song titles and most of them i wrote the words to and they to me weren't as interesting as nicks. >> stephen: well, quite a sales job on your lyrics. (laughter) >> stephen: won't you please do a song. >> yeah, okay. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you, ben. we'll be right back with a performance by ben folds five $5)qted"
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>> stephen: here to perform a song off their new album the sound of the life of the mind ladies and gentlemen, ben folds five . >> tear it down let them try south ♪ ♪ you ask anyone
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♪ if you are's paralyzed by a voice in your head ♪ ♪ go on ♪ do it anyway ♪ ♪ do it anyway ♪ how many times you might leap before you look ♪ ♪ do it anyway ♪ do it anyway ♪ fell me why i said i'd never stay ♪ ♪ of the things you do not like but now i think are okay ♪ ♪ it's done you did it ♪
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♪ do it any way ♪ ♪ ♪ just tell me why ♪ i said i married you ♪ real estate me off the list of the things i used to not like but now i think are okay ♪ ♪ whoa whoa whoa ♪ ♪
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♪ its goba be so very lard to say ♪ ♪ and watch the trust and joy all drain from her innocent face ♪ ♪ but you must ♪ do it anyway ♪ it verbs-- sucks but do it anyway ♪ ♪ call it surrender but you know that's a joke ♪ ♪ and the punch line is you're actually never in control ♪ ♪ but still, surrender anyway ♪ ♪ tell me what say you would never do ♪ ♪ tell me what you said you'd never say ♪ ♪ read me off that list of things ♪ ♪ cause i used to not like you ♪ ♪ but now i you're okay ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah yeah
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♪ whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪ everybody knows that you just gotta do it anyway ♪ ♪ do it anyway ♪ do it anyway ♪ do it anyway ♪ do it anyway ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! the sound of the life of the mind, ben folds five,


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